3 AM in The Morning...Not Doing Well

Suppose the title says it all...it's three in the AM, cannot stop crying, a deep lonely despair and sadness enveloping everything as I reflect on a life that I just don't want any more.  Shades of the Beatles dancing in the shadows, lyrics playing over and over again as if an eight track were hard wired into my thoughts, "He's a real nowhere man living in his nowhere land...."  Come on, sing along, follow the bouncing ball.

There is something wrong when you continue the charade of a life because decades of abuse leave you believing you deserve the punishment that is staying alive.  I was never good enough to be loved, and now do not see myself good enough to deserve death.   So  sit here and fester in a never ending pool of grief, pain, despair and yes, ANGER.

It's not like I ever really wanted much out of life...my needs were really pretty simple.   I wanted to be loved, and wanted to know, to experience safe.  Everything else was window dressing.  

So much I would like to say, but seems I am not even allowed that basic human right, fearful that my words will be turned and used against me.   One day I will tell my truth...words hurt worse than fists if placed in just the right order, and there are several souls who have passed through my life that deserve a good adjective, verb and noun to the teeth, and one thing I promise is the delivery of a hard hitting speaking of my mind before I go.  I owe that to myself, and to all the little ones who reside there within.  Retribution, Revenge, Retaliation...no, just the telling of a story, the story of my life with no detail spared, no rock left undisturbed.  

For now....going to turn out the lights, silence the TV, curl up under the covers in my basement apartment and try to find a few hours of sleep;

Where's My White Privilege?

With the shooting of Ferguson Criminal Michael Brown, and the unfortunate (and WRONG) choking death of Eric Garner in Staten Island here in New York has issues of race front and center in the news as protesters fill the streets of towns and cities across America.  I watched the pundits, and the usual cast of characters, and wonder how long the Al Sharpton's of the world feel white Americans should carry around the yoke of White Guilt, wonder how long the black community feels they should be given an extra hand up the ladder based upon their skin color...while we are on the subject, am also wondering where my own "White Privilege" is that Blacks seem to be saying I should give up?

I am white, no doubt of that, and even have blond hair.  There is no mistaking my ethnicity in the least, I am as white as white can be...but "White Privilege"!  Give me a break, it does not exist for me, and for millions of other "whites" who were not born into upwardly mobile, affluent families. So tell me, where is my "White Privilege" and if I do not have it, why is it fair that "Affirmative Action" gives blacks and other minority groups who are in the same situation as me a helping hand up the ladder while leaving me and others like me in the same boat behind?  Give me that same bonus score on the civil service examine, and I would probably be working on a government sector job right now. Give me preferential status in applying to some of your better colleges, and I might have actually have completed a college degree...BUT, I do not qualify because I am perceived in some fashion as benefiting from the fact I was born WHITE. 

Has any one looked at the statistics...far more whites have been killed by police offices than blacks have been killed...yet, do we see their stories making national headlines day after day?  Do we see whites out in the streets shutting down roadways because some white man was shot and killed by over zealous police?  Why not?  White Privilege?  How many people are aware that in 2012 52 percent of the people killed by the police were WHITE...not black, not Hispanic, not Chinese, but WHITE.

Yes, I am sick and tired of this whole mess being front and center in the news, tired of protesters marching through our streets making life difficult for the average America citizen...we are not the problem, the rich and elite who oppress anyone in the lower middle, or lower class of our society.  You want to get the attention of the right people...take your protest to those communities where the rich and powerful life...go protest in Greenwich or New Canaan, Connecticut or Rye New York...stop the traffic there, take your message to the power brokers where they live, rather than inconveniencing those average Americans who are in the same boat as you.

You can disagree with me, but claiming that being born white gives you some special privileges by  virtue of the color of you skin is wrong sighted.  You are given status, given special privileges based upon the financial status of the family you are born into.  When we in the lower and middle classes realize that, we can begin to address the societal wrongs perpetuated upon those who are unfortunate enough to be born into less than optimum financial situations.  There is no special "White Privilege" but instead is "Financial Status Privilege" that allows though born into wealth to have a leg up on the rest of us.

Ten Dollars...The True Value Of The Apple IPhone 6

Yesterday was a work day for me, I drive for an airport car company dropping people off and picking them up at the various airports in our area, my base being the Westchester Airport over in White Plains, New York.  Last night around nine I picked up an older gentleman of means who had just flown in from Boca where he owns a second home.  His destination...a very swanky upscale restaurant in Greenwich Connecticut.   The ride was uneventful, filled with meaningless chit-chat about the weather, Thanksgiving dinner, even the goings on in Ferguson.  I pulled up in front of the place, dropped him off and headed back toward the airport for hopefully another trip, a few more dollars in my pocket before my night came to an end.

I was about halfway back to the airport when the phone rang...it was not my phone, but instead was coming from the back seat of my car.   The easiest thing for me to do...head back to the airport, give the phone to the dispatcher, and when the gentleman called give him the option of picking the phone up at our counter, or dispatching a driver to return to the phone him...which would have seen him billed full fare from the airport to wherever the phone was to be dropped off at.   I was halfway back to the airport, but pulled the car over, got out of the car, opened the back door and searched around for the phone till I found it...a BRAND NEW IPhone 6!

I immediately got back in the car, made a quick u-turn and made my way back to the restaurant to find the gentlemen, return to him his missing phone.  It seemed like the right thing to do.  I found him, returned to him his IPhone, and was presented with a tip for my efforts of $10.  Moral of the story is simple...to this incredibly wealthy man, the value of his lost IPhone 6, the value of an IPhone 6 is TEN BUCKS.   Next time maybe I'll do what is best for myself, and just head back to the airport and turn said phone into the Lost and Found.

Black Friday..The Beginning of The Christmas Season

Black Friday, millions of shoppers out looking for bargain prices on home goods, Christmas gifts and whatever else catches their eye...the official race is on toward that special day, December 25th when kids open presents with glee, and mother's spend another day slaving away in the kitchen preparing a meal that will be devoured in less than an hour.  Shopping, it is the reason for the season...no wait, that's not right is it?  Santa Claus, eggnog, office parties, and a season of imbibing and eating far too many treats and sweets as our waist lines bulge...that's the reason for the season!

Let's all make our meaningless toast about wanting "Peace on Earth" and "Goodwill towards Men" (and what about women), maybe toss a small handful of change into the little red buckets for those less fortunate than ourselves, pat ourselves on the back for being noble heart'ed concerned citizens. Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, LA.  Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells and let's not forget, we are all dreaming of a WHITE CHRISTMAS...as in maybe a new White BMW in the driveway with a big red bow! 

Just here in America, our citizens will rush to the stores, malls and shopping centers, credit cards in flames as they spend over $600 BILLION DOLLARS on a one day celebration, most of them going further into debt in an attempt to hold up their end of the deal with Corporate America who is counting on them to change bottom lines from Red to Black.  HO, HO, HO...we want to wish each and every one of you a Merry Debtmas...I mean Christmas.   

Imagine a Christmas season where we came from a different mindset, a mindset where mass consumption of material goods was not front and center.  With what we spend on celebrating Christmas, collectively we have the ability to purchase 3 million $200,000 homes for those Americans who see home ownership as an impossible dream.  How many of this nation's environmental problems could be better addressed if we collectively could put $600 Billion dollars toward remediation efforts?  How many Food Banks could be supplied for an entire year with some 600 Billion dollars in groceries?  Imagine this mindset  being employed world wide for just one year, with every nation on Earth setting aside personal consumption in the name of making the world a more beautiful place in which to live.

Just a thought...

Thanksgiving Eve...Not a Good Night

The Holidays...not exactly

It's the eve of Thanksgiving, people out and about, meeting with friends, picking up their loved ones at the airport, others doing their best to brave the weather to make it home in time to smell the turkey roasting in the oven.

Me...sitting here alone, tears streaming down my cheeks as loneliness envelopes me.   Sad thing...I would go to bed, curl up and do my best to fall asleep knowing tomorrow is going to be a better day, but I already know it's not going to be.   There is no table cloth on my table, no flowers with which to brighten up the room, no plans for lighting candles, or opening up a special bottle of wine with which to celebrate the day.  No guests will be knocking on my door to say hello, no one but a simple drunk will be sitting down to enjoy a meal.  No Thanksgiving kisses from a special loved one, no one there to help set the table, or whisper, "I love you" as we toast each other with a glass of wine before the turkey is taken out of the oven.

Tick Tock Tick Tock watching the seconds go by on the imaginary CooCoo Clock that hangs upon the wall.   Working on Saturday...a distraction just 63 hours away.

Juggling To Survive...Tired Of This Reality

Even With Broken Pieces You Can Make Beauty

It just NEVER STOPS...

Showed up at court this week, spent money crossing the bridge, parking, gas for the car only to show up and be told court had been cancelled and rescheduled for next Monday...well isn't that special! Was supposed to get my new teeth on Monday, told the bailiff this, but once home got to thinking about it, and rather than stoop to begging the judge for a different date, have re-schedule my appointment with the dentist who was none to happy about it, but it is what it is.

Financially...just cannot seem to catch a break.  Bank of America ran out of patience with my overdrawn savings account, so I had barely deposited checks this week when they swooped in and took out $430 dollars to bring my savings account balance back up to zero...sigh...had hoped I could just carry that negative balance for a while longer while I tried to play catch up on bills.  Verizon called for both accounts which I knew were past due...it was shut off time, so had to pay those two bills, and on Friday I have no choice but to pay my November car payment which was due on the 1st of November, and insurance is due and payable as well.  Bottom line...once these payments are taken care of, I am back down around having ZERO money again.  

The rest of my bills...not been paid in MONTHS, and do not see that changing any time soon.  So tired of all this juggling, tired of trying to HANG ON.   It's one in the afternoon...probably going to miss work as I wait on a heat repair man...not that it matters as Sunday and Monday as a driver were nothing more than an exercise in futility.  Looking for another job, but fact of the matter is, there are just too many strikes against me, no one seems interested, and if someone is interested, I have the very real problem that I cannot take a job that would jeopardize my apartment, as I simply do not have any money with which to pay rent if I lost my part time position here.

Juggling, that is all I do any more, and getting tired of it.  Which reminds me...I have to fill up my gas tank before Saturday so that I have the ability to drive to work, to make it to court on Monday...maybe I should look into selling blood.  On the bright side of the ledger...at least I have pies for Thanksgiving...had a slice of pumpkin last night, and it was pretty damn good if I say so myself.  Think I am going to pull on a coat and walk the three blocks to downtown Nyack for a dozen eggs so that I can make a few deviled eggs tomorrow morning.

Darren Wilson Not Indicted....Ferguson Explodes...But What About Michael Brown?

If your television is turned on to CNN, you know all about the riots in Ferguson last night, know about the burning, the looting after it was announced that Darren Wilson would not be tried for murder. You also know that the black community is not happy with the outcome, is claiming that justice has not been served once again for the black community.  You have the Brown family attorney and others calling for a Federal indictment, and we all know it is only a matter of time before the family of Michael Brown files a wrongful death suit against the Ferguson Police Department, and the officer that will probably be settled out of court by the insurance companies.

What I am wondering, is why no one including the news networks  not asking certain questions.  For instance, would Michael Brown have even been in a situation to be shot if he had not robbed a convenience store?  Would Michael Brown have been in a situation of being shot if he had simply gotten out of the middle of the road and onto the sidewalk rather than telling Officer Wilson to "Fuck Off"?  Would Michael Brown have been in a position of being shot if he had not physically attacked the officer in his car, tried to take his gun?  Michael Brown is the single largest contributor to his own tragic death.

Shared culpability and personal accountability.  Let me be clear...I think it is a tragedy that Michael Brown's life ended in the way that it did.  Find it sad that stealing some cigars started a chain of events that would find him in a matter of minutes laying dead in the middle of the street.  My heart goes out to his parents, and can feel their pain at the loss of a child.  But let us individually, and as a nation also be honest...Michael Brown is at least partially if not significantly responsible for his own death.  Let's talk about problems, but lets discuss them openly and honestly, where all sides are looked at...Michael Brown was not suspected of simple shop lifting, but a felony when he assaulted the store owner.  He did in fact and deed attack a police officer, that is another felony.  Evidence suggests that he did go for the officer's gun.   Surely in a civilized society we cannot justify this young man's actions, yet you do not see the national media discussing this side of the equation, and when someone like former NY Mayor Rudy Giuliani brings up this other side of the coin, he is labeled a racist.

• Blacks are seven times more likely than people of other races to commit murder, and eight times more likely to commit robbery.

• When blacks commit crimes of violence, they are nearly three times more likely than non-blacks to use a gun, and more than twice as likely to use a knife.

• Hispanics commit violent crimes at roughly three times the white rate, and Asians commit violent crimes at about one quarter the white rate.

• The single best indicator of violent crime levels in an area is the percentage of the population that is black and Hispanic.

These bullet points are facts backed by national statistics.   Which begs the question...what are the underlying causes that see blacks committing a much larger percentage of crimes compared to their percentage of the overall population, what saw Michael Brown decide he could go into a convenience store and steal some cigars?  What underlying issues in his upbringing made him think he could simply bully the store owner, physically attack him and walk out of the store.  What made Michael Brown think it was OK to mouth off to a police officer...especially after he'd just left the scene of a crime.   Maybe the Brown family attorney is correct when he says we need to change the system, but maybe we also need to change within our families, and within our communities as well.   Crime is crime, and like the old adage says, "Don't do the crime if you can't do the time" and sadly in this case Michael Brown's own decisions leading up the confrontation saw him pay with his life for his criminal actions.  

If the black citizens want to place blame, do it fairly, and if you do it fairly, a big slice of the blame pie must be placed on Michael Brown's plate, on his family's plate.  

Thanksgiving...Making Pies

It's Tuesday, about 48 hours away from that yearly celebration and over-indulgence we all know here in America as Thanksgiving.  Though home alone for the holiday, I am going through the motions, trying to maintain some semblance of normalcy in these trying days.  To that end, today is going to be my day for baking pies...two pumpkin, one pecan as I always do.  I would normally do them tomorrow, but I may or may not be working...that is going to depend on the snow storm that is hurtling like a runaway train up the coast toward our area.   If I work tomorrow, going to have to be up early Thanksgiving morning as many of my Thanksgiving Eve tasks will not get done tomorrow, and today is simply to early for making my deviled eggs, though suppose I could do my cranberries today while the pies are in the oven.

Thursday...turkey for three.   Perhaps I would be better served not cooking a big Thanksgiving feast, but think going out, sitting alone in a restaurant to eat my meal would be far more depressing than staying in, watching a bit of football, and serving up my own food.   Gave serious thought about getting a roasting chicken instead of a turkey, but just could not bring myself to give up what has always been a tradition for me.  So...a twelve pound bird, stuffing, smashed potatoes, homemade gravy, deviled eggs, some asparagus, and of course pie for desert.   There is one man in the apartments where I live who has no family, so have invited him and one homeless man here in town who I kind of take care of who I have invited over for dinner.  Was hoping to find a few more people in need to invite, but two guests is better than no guests at all.

Yesterday all around was a VERY BAD DAY.   Though I worked very late on Sunday for almost no money, had to be up very early to make an appearance in divorce court.  I arrived at the requested time, sat around in the hallway waiting for my case to be called only to find out that the judge had cancelled court for the day...I understand that emergencies come up, but couldn't she have had the bailiff make some calls, rather than letting three attorneys and myself expend all the time and money it took to put us in court for a canceled court calendar?   Not having the resources to drive all the way back to Nyack for a couple hours, then back over the Tappanzee bridge a second time in one day, I decided to go into work earlier...another slow day, worked almost nine hours and made $31.  Take out taxes, gas, and the five dollar toll and I worked for about two dollars an hour...that is enough to make you cry.

It's almost noon...I really need to try to motivate as the day is quickly getting away from me.  

Obama Immigration Plan Is Amnesty, and Unfair To Everyone But Illegal Aliens

I voted for President Obama not once, but twice...looking at his speech to the nation last night I find myself regretting that decision.  He can call his immigration plan anything he wants, but in the end it amounts to one thing...AMNESTY for Illegal Aliens.  Oh, you broke our laws, have been here for say 5, 7 even ten years and never paid federal taxes, you have lowered the wage base forlower and middle class Americans for decades now, you have broken numerous federal laws, but guess what...YOU CAN STAY, AND YOU CAN WORK!  Excuse me?

What happened to America being a nation of laws?  Now we are sending a message to the world that says, "Come to America, hide in the shadows illegally, ignore our laws, and you eventually will be forgiven all your sins, and be granted a pathway to citizenship (AMNESTY).  The line starts IN THE COUNTRY OF ORIGIN Mr. President, not in Nevada or whatever other state these criminals are residing in.  

On taxes...if an illegal alien has been working in America for ten years, where is the fairness in only requiring them to pay three years in back taxes, with no penalties, no interest?  Can EVERY AMERICAN TAXPAYER HAVE THE PERK?  I would love a 7 year tax vacation, and sure most middle class Americans would as well.  Sure if we all suddenly stopped paying our taxes that the IRS would soon be knocking on our door, we could find ourselves facing serious fines, penalties, interest, and perhaps even criminal prosecution.

Keeping the family together?  Hello, is there any reason why these families of illegal aliens cannot KEEP THEIR FAMILIES TOGETHER IN THEIR COUNTRY OF ORIGIN?  They want a better life, that is fine...let them APPLY FOR AMERICAN CITIZENSHIP, rather than coming here illegally and STEALING A BETTER LIFE from someone who is here in America legally.  They are not undocumented workers, they are not undocumented citizens, they are not dreamers, they are by both definition and FEDERAL LAW illegal aliens, criminals who should be arrested, detained, prosecuted and deported.

Mr. Obama said it would be impossible to deport 11 million illegal aliens.  Sorry Mr. President, but you are wrong...enforce our laws, make E-Verify the law of the land, shut down the jobs magnet (and the cheap wage base that comes with it), and prosecute ALL THOSE WHO HIRE ILLEGAL ALIENS, and would be willing to bet that 80 percent of those here in America illegally would SELF DEPORT when they could no longer find jobs...bonus in that approach...Legal American citizens can rejoin the work force, and WAGES WILL GO UP.

A Practical Approach To The Illegal Alien Problem In America

1.  Secure our borders. (North and South)

2.  Track down and deport all those who OVER STAY THEIR VISA.

3.  Turn off job magnet by getting tough on ANY ONE who hires an illegal alien, be it a company (Hotels, Restaurants, Construction Trade, Lawn Care/Landscaping), an individual,  or an institution.

4.  Make E-Verify the law of the land, make it mandatory that all employees be able to verify their eligibility to legally work here in America as a part of the hiring process.  CAN WE SAY GREEN CARD?

5.  Eliminate all the loop holes and presidential orders that create ANY EXCEPTION TO THE RULES.  

We are a nation of laws...then lets act like we are.  As for Congress...stop your whining, and pass legislation that would deal with the problem EFFECTIVELY, rather than looking at any one group of illegal aliens (Latino's) as a future voting block that you have to appease.  We do not appease terrorists, and we should not appease illegal aliens...they are criminals, plain and simple, and should be treated as such.

Random Thoughts and Associations

Stop

Light

Green

Grass

Weed

Dandelion

Spring

Water

Hose

Nylons

Sexy

Flannel

Sheets

Bedding

Flowers

Daffodils

Easter

Eggs

Omelets

Breakfast

Word associations, mental clarity and connections; wonder where your mind takes you as you play along with me?  Pick a word, any word, following the journey into the depths of your synapsis, sharing with yourself the first words that pop into your head.   The game does become more complicated when choosing a more loaded starting point.  Pick a word, any word you want…love, ecstasy, passion, or perhaps something more political in topic such as Republican, Democrat, immigration, or equality?  Perhaps go out on a limb with Obama or Romney, if you use the word Mitt, do you think of glove or instead say Mormon?  Black, blue, bruises, abuse, childhood…never mind, let’s choose another word, do you have one that you would like to try?

Let’s have some fun.  Captain’s, Log, Star Trek…dang, two words, who is up next?  Captain, Kangaroo, Australia, Boomerang, Return, Gifts, Christmas, Stockings, Garters, Enticing, Touch, Tone, Exercise, Bike, Path, Journey, Band, Beatle’s, Revolution, Sixties, Turbulent, Times, Magazine…oh please, we all know that print media is so yesterday’s news.  Do you have the new IPhone 6, and does it bend if you keep it too long in your hip pocket?  Ace, Spades, Cards, Hallmark, greetings…not any more, let’s send a text instead, or perhaps jump on Twitter and bare our souls in 140 characters or less.

Relationship, status…hold the phone…why is it that we folks in the single category feel being in a relationship gives us status?  Don’t get me wrong, would love to be “in a relationship” but do I need a relationship because with it comes status, as if in being a relationship suddenly makes me, or us more socially acceptable, as if being partnered suddenly stamps our passport, makes us eligible for those A list events that seem too often reserved for those who find themselves in the couples category.  Curious involved couples of the world, does inviting your single friend to join the two of you for dinner feel ACKWARD?  Are we really the proverbial THIRD WHEELS?  Inquiring minds wants to know.  

Why do I suddenly hear “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” playing in the recesses of my mind?  Dark Side of the Moon anyone? 

The lunatic is in my head. 
The lunatic is in my head 
You raise the blade, you make the change 
You re-arrange me 'til I'm sane. 
You lock the door 
And throw away the key 
There's someone in my head but it's not me. 

And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear 
You shout and no one seems to hear. 
And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes 
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon. 

Suddenly feeling like Dorothy in the “Wizard of Oz”…lets all “Follow the yellow brick road”.  Which of the main characters best represents yourself?  Myself, I just want to go home, or perhaps more appropriately stated, “I just want to find home”.  You know what I am talking about…find that space and place where a peace settles over you, that special glow that comes with the heart felt knowledge that where you are, where you find yourself is WHERE YOU BELONG.  I will not…no, I refuse here to make some kind of an Elton John, “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” reference.  It would SO DATE ME.

Captain’s Log..

Here am I floating
round my tin can
Far above the Moon
Planet Earth is blue
And there's nothing I can do.

Whoops, wrong synapsis fired…Donovan perhaps?

The continent of Atlantis was an island
Which lay before the great flood
In the area we now call the Atlantic Ocean

So great an area of land that from her western shores
Those beautiful sailors journeyed to the south
And the North Americas with ease
In their ships with painted sails

To them East Africa was a neighbor
Across a short strait of sea miles
The great Egyptian age is but a remnant of the Atlantian culture
The antediluvian kings colonized the world
All the Gods who play in the mythological dramas
In all legends from all lands were from far Atlantis

Knowing her fate, Atlantis sent out ships

To all corners of the Earth, on board were the
Twelve, 'The poet, the physician, the farmer, the scientist
The magician and the other so-called Gods of our legends'

Though Gods they were
And as the elders of our time choose to remain blind
Let us rejoice and let us sing
And dance and ring in the new
Hail Atlantis

Let’s talk about Global Warming and Climate Change, but before we start could you pass me the Cabernet Sauvignon, and one of those little tarts with the pralines on top.  Thank you, and by the way, “How was work today?”

And I leave you with this…Number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9,Number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9, Number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9, Number 9, number 9

Winter Has Arrived...Here to Stay?

Not quite 10 in the AM here on a Friday as I sit in the midst of the squalor that is now my daily life, anger and depression fighting for control of a life now shattered.   My word of the day...function, as in trying to.   Something has too give as I  cannot continue down the road that now spreads out before me on the horizon as these two powerful emotions wrestle for the right to determine my path forward into a future that seems  a dead end fraught with despair filled with unavoidable pitfalls that will see me living and dying alone, no one there when old age signals the final curtain which ends a person's life. Winter has arrived in more than one way...outside the weather is cold, though the sun shines through the door into my small basement apartment suggesting a warmth that is not really there, a step outside revealing the cold glaring truth of the day.  Inside my heart grows cold, my mind feeling as if it is ready to explode, sanity held onto just barely, daily chores at times simply to much to face.

On today's list...laundry as I am out of anything that vaguely resembles clean cloths.  I had saved up a bowl full of quarters for this task, but had to use those when checks meant for my hands were delayed in their arrival, others playing games with my well being.  Have the laundry soap, but will have to head to a bank for a couple rolls of quarters, then spend a sizable chunk of my day sitting in a laundromat, the surroundings magnifying the sadness of my situation, my life at almost 59.   Should go grocery shopping, but have reached a point where cooking something to eat is simply to much work, no longer an enjoyable task like it once was.  My kitchen is not a real kitchen, though it's size is fine.  I have almost no cabinets, and neither the stove or refrigerator are of a normal size, both reminders of a long time ago when I moved into a similar space at the age of eighteen in the hopes of escaping the abuse that was the family and house in which I had grown up.

Perhaps that is a part of my depression....finding myself at the age of 59 in an almost identical space to the one I first moved into all those decades ago.  The resemblance is a triggering one, brings back memories of my father still interfering in my life, still finding ways in which to weave his special brand of abuse into my life.   Now like then, just want to be LEFT ALONE too pick up the shattered pieces of my life, my marriage and figure out a way forward.  I want chapters ended, final chapters written so that books can be put upon a shelf never to be looked at again, the memories to painful for a second read.

It is said time heals all wounds...trust me, that is not true.  Some wounds never end.  They may scab over, but they are still there just under the surface till the next time an incident, or a person, or a series of abuses pick that scab and it all comes back.

Seeking Normalcy In Turbulent Times

Yesterday it took police intervention, but I was finally able to retrieve two maintenance checks from my former attorney's office in New City, and checking my overdrawn checking account this morning was pleased to see said account was/is now again solvent.   Wish that all the angst and turmoil that is my day to day life could be put behind me, but seems opposing forces involved in my situation at the moment have no desire whatsoever to find accord through compromise and negotiation...looking at that reality, as much as I wish it could happen, do not see myself being divorced before 2014 comes to an end.  All I can do is work toward returning some semblance of normalcy to my life, work at trying to find some consistency that will allow me to escape the depression that has held me in its grip for the past several months.

The first step toward that normalcy was taken this morning...I paid the back payments on my car so that I can stop HIDING IT out of fear of repossession.  Of course, November's payment is now due, so will have to search for ways to get that taken care of in the next ten days so I can avoid falling back into that cesspool of fear again come December the 1st where each night sees me searching for a new place to stash my source of transportation.  Tomorrow morning will pay October and November's car insurance payments, bring both my cable and cell phone bills up to a point where service termination is no longer a fear for a few weeks.  That is the good news...bad news is simple, once I take care of these actions, I am again almost broke if the maintenance check which is due this Friday fails to appear.  It gets very tiring, and is emotionally draining to find myself on this roller coaster, living day to day in a hand to mouth existence.

Did eliminate one worry this morning...went out and got myself a EZpass that will be activated tomorrow morning.  Sounds funny, but there have been times when it was all I could do to find the funds to get across the bridge for mandatory court dates.  Now at least, will have a fall back, have put enough money on the pass to carry me through a few crossings of that bridge...not looking forward to a future when a new bridge ups that toll charge from its current five dollars to fourteen dollars.  I mean seriously, what average worker can afford $70 a week just to cross a bridge to go to work? Welcome to America. 

Yesterday was in many respects a lost day for me...spent three hours in the dentist chair getting my first new set of temporary front teeth to replace the 40 year old bridge that was crumbling more and more with each passing day.  I have too go in again in three weeks for phase two.  Not happy with the current new teeth, but they look better than the crumbling ones that were there before.  Of course, how I am going to pay for the $32,000 worth of dental work required to reclaim my mouth and put my teeth in a state of good repair is beyond me.  I just know the constant dull pain that is my mouth needs to be dealt with.   

Next week I have to call my surgeon or go see a doctor about the tremendous amount of pain I am having in my right arm and shoulder since returning to work...by the end of a shift it is all I can do to drive back across the bridge so I can put it on ice.  Do what you have to do to survive, even if it cripples you in the process.  Hoping maybe an anti-inflammatory coupled with a pain pill might at least mitigate the pain I am enduring.  If not, will just have to deal with it until I can't.   

Just looked at the clock...time to go get showered and get on with what I have to get on with on this dreary dismal day in November.

Elections Are Over, Republicans Are In Charge...Just What Do They See As Moving Forward?

First, for the record, I am an independent, not associated with either of the two deplorable parties which infest our nation's capital, though my views on most things, most specifically social issues such as gay marriage, women's rights, and the legalization of marijuana lean far left.  Watching the election results last night made me physically ill as America placed the Republicans in charge of America's future.  In this supposed democracy in which we live where millionaires and billionaires, coupled with Big Business are allowed to buy our elections, control those who get the opportunity to run for office, we the electorate now have no choice but to accept the outcome, sit back and watch to see if the Republicans can move from being obstructionist to actually leading the country.

Question is, where do they intend to lead us, and is their vision for America really the vision the majority of Americans have?  When they tell us they are going to get down to the business of passing legislation, what legislation do they intend to pass?   

The grapevines suggests that the Republicans will tackle immigration...in what fashion?  Do they intend to seek Amnesty for the 12-14 illegal aliens now in America, most of them from Latin American countries in the hopes of winning favor with the Latino voters, while handing Big Business just what they want...a continued CHEAP LABOR POOL?  Let us be honest about Illegal Aliens in America...they have, and continue to depress middle class working Americans wages by over $200 Billion dollars a year, they continue to steal American jobs.   Illegal aliens break our laws by mere virtue of being/working here in America, and for the most part they work under the table, and do not pay Federal Taxes.   Is Amnesty what we as a nation want for people who for decades now have lowered Middle Class Americans wages, stolen our jobs, and created a situation where young people no longer have the opportunity to find that first job that used to be there?  Do any of us believe the Republicans will do the right thing BY AMERICA's MIDDLE AND LOWER CLASS and deal with immigration in the right way...deport those here ILLEGALLY, and actually secure both our Northern and Southern borders.  Do any of us believe the Republicans will do the right thing by going after those who hire illegals, and in doing so shut down the jobs magnet that sees these illegal aliens flocking to our shores?

The Republicans say they are going to overhaul our tax code.  Lest you have forgotten, the Republicans beat the tired old drum beat that it is the rich, the moneyed who create jobs...let us say on some level that you buy into that slogan.  Conversely then, can't it be successfully argued that it is the hard working employees of companies/small businesses who create the profits THAT MAKE THE RICH WEALTHY.  In overhauling America's tax system, are the Republicans simply going to give the rich more tax breaks, or instead are they going to close the tax loopholes that allow the rich to keep their money, while we in the lower and middle class lose ours?  When the Republicans say they are going to overhaul the tax code, are they going to change and repair the tax code, are they going to eliminate rules that let companies escape their moral duty to the American work force, with perhaps health care a prime example...how many companies now legally foist their duties off onto the American Taxpayer by hiring mostly part-time employees so they can avoid having to pay them benefits such as health care.

When Republicans say they are ready to lead, where are they going to lead us on issues such as Gay Marriage, a woman's right to choose, and health care, where they for years now have threatened to put and end to Obama Care...are they really going to cast millions of Americans back into the dark ages where they have no coverage when they become ill, where insurance companies can refuse someone with pre-existing conditions coverage.  What will Republican do when it comes to wages, and the minimum wage that now forces a large percentage of America Workers to live at or near the poverty level.  Even at $10 dollars an hour, you cannot raise a family in most parts of America!  40 hours of work is gross pay per week of just $400, and by the time you take the various taxes out of that you are left with about $320 a week to live on.  That gives someone $16,640 a year to live on...that is not a living wage.  A small apartment is $800 a month, and usually does not include heat, electric, or the basics such as minimum cable and a telephone.  Round off household expenses to $1,000 a month, and a worker earning $10 per hour is left with just $386 each month to cover everything else from a car, gas in the car, food, clothing, and health insurance! 

Perhaps it is time for the media to start asking the right question.  Do not ask, "Can the Republicans now lead rather than obstruct?" but instead ask, "Where to the Republicans intend to lead us, and are they taking America in a direction that works for the AVERAGE MAIN STREET AMERICAN?" The capability given to the Republicans in yesterdays elections scares me, because their vision of America is NOT MINE.  One thing I am sure of today, would bet the farm on...with the Republicans in charge, middle class Americans will continue to suffer for another two years.

Death With Dignity...Choosing The When of Living & Dying

This past weekend, Brittany Maynard, a brave beautiful young woman dying of cancer choose the when and how of her departure from this world, ending her life on Saturday.  Some call her choice "Death With Dignity" while others call it "Assisted Suicide".  Myself...I wonder why others feel they have any right to have a say when a person is making such a difficult decision.  Don't get me wrong, regardless of the reason behind the choice, find it very sad that someone/anyone has reached a point in their life where death is a preferable choice to living.  However, surely there are times when we can all understand why someone would choose death over a life no longer worth living, choose death over suffering through the horrible pain and diminishing capacity to enjoy our life that a horrible illness such as terminable brain cancer visits upon us?

Death with dignity...

For myself, desperately trying to wrap my own brain and emotions around the concept of dignity as it relates to both life and death.  As a concept, the word dignity implies that every human being (or creature) has the innate right to be valued, to receive ethical treatment.  More descriptively, dignity implies that all things, all people are or should be afforded a certain level of respect and status...though politicians and society are careful not to actually define with any certainty just how much respect, status or worth any one person or group of people should be afforded.  How can we have a serious discussion about life or death with dignity when we refuse to define dignity, have defined parameters of what is  an acceptable level of dignity when it comes to a fellow human being.

Imagine the can of worms that would be opened if our society did the right thing, established a minimum Benchmark where every living creature in America, or in the world was guaranteed a base level of dignity (respect and status) in both their life, and in their death.  Imagine someone being held criminally or civilly liable for stealing away, or destroying someone's personal dignity.  Imagine a world in which we could seek an "Order of Protection" against someone(s) who is working to take away our personal dignity, being empowered to take action against those who seem bent on destroying our self worth, our self image, our implied or defined dignity.  Imagine having the right to "Death With Dignity" if you find your life no longer has enough dignity to make it worth living.  Isn't that truly freedom, isn't that the true measure of the concept of "Self Determination"?

Death with dignity, the right to determine the how and when of our own life should be a basic human right afforded every citizen of America, rather than a right that only exists in five states.  Brittany Maynard should not have been forced to uproot her life after finding out she was dying from terminal cancer, should not have had to spend her precious time moving to a different state that would afford and respect her basic human dignity.  It is my hope her brave decision to leave this world with her dignity intact starts a discussion that sees our federal government enact laws that would make "Death With Dignity" a federally protected right afforded every American.

Abuse Is Not Always Physical In Nature, Nor Something Visited Only Upon Women and Children

Since very early childhood, I have had an intimate personal knowledge of abuse in all of its myriad, shades, hues and colors.  For as long as I can remember I was  both afraid and intimidated by my father, his pointing finger turned in your direction enough to make you tremble.  Still recall at the age of three the first time I witnessed him strike my mother, a back hand across her face as she was knocked into a wall.   Spare the rod, spoil the rod, my father's weapon of discipline was a 2x4 about three feet in length or a ornate piece of picture frame molding welded in the most lethal fashion as he indiscriminately would beat you until his anger had been sated.  By six sexual abuse was introduced into the portfolio of events that made up my normal daily routine...at 58 I thought I had pretty much seen it all when it came to abuse...sadly, I was wrong, now am surviving another kind of abuse that is just as insidious as any physical, mental, emotional or sexual abuse that one human being can visit upon another.

In a matter of months I have seen my credit destroyed, watched my accounts that were all in good standing ruined, am sitting here on a Sunday morning wondering if my car is still waiting for me outside my door, or has  been repossessed?  My checking and savings accounts are both overdrawn, I no longer have a usable credit or debit card, and I cannot pay my bills.  Even worse, my now destroyed credit makes it hard if not impossible to be hired for certain jobs, your credit rating used against you in the interviewing process.  My phone rings off the hook, and with difficulty I ignore its demanding tone knowing if I pick up it is a credit collection agency seeking payments that I just do not have to give them.  This is no way to live.

Sadly, destroying someone by ruining their finances (financial abuse) is not an unusual occurrence, too often a weapon deployed at the end of a relationship, a tool of retaliation and ruination employed with just one purpose in mind...absolute total annihilation of  a person's ability to survive...most times a attack deployed by men...perhaps that is what makes me unusual...I am a man who is sitting in the shambles of what once was a pretty good life trying to figure out what I can do to survive, what I can do to get through one day, then another as I wonder now what the future holds as I sit in the ruination of the "Ground Zero" that is currently my life.

“If it's fair for a husband who earns more to pay his wife, then it is fair for a wife who earns more to pay her husband. Gender should not be an issue,” 

Even worse as I endure this egregious injustice upon myself, am finding out that our American Court System seems, in my opinion, to both condone and facilitate this insidious form of abuse employed by one person against another.  A judge's code of ethics says all parties with an interest in any given case are allowed to be heard, yet if you try to speak you are quickly shut off, quieted, with no choice but to become silent out of fear of having the person welding the gavel holding you in "Contempt of Court", your sin nothing more than wanting to be heard.  Suffer in silence, we do not want to hear your story, get over it, pick yourself up and rebuild your life...MAN UP!  This is usually followed up with a threat thinly veiled in the guise of some sage advice that reads something like, "Take the settlement offered you, or I might not be as kind to you when this case comes to trial."

Right now I have five dollars to my name, one think crisp bill in my wallet which will be gone in about one hour when I drive across the Tappen Zee Bridge to put in a 12 hour shift, knowing ahead of time that I will not even earn minimum wage for my day's labor, will be hoping I get a few cash tips so I can put some gas in my car and have another $5 bill to make it to work again tomorrow.   Upon returning home around two in the morning I will open up a can of Progresso Soup that expired in June of 2013, heat it up and be thankful for some nourishment before I fall off to sleep, hoping at the same time that said can of soup does not make me sick.  Tomorrow I will wake up, repeat this same process over again, all the while hoping that two checks which are missing in action magically appear in my mailbox when the Post Woman shows up at around 11:30 AM.

Life is not always fair and sometimes, like it or not you are the one that falls between the cracks in a system and world full of flaws and imperfections.  For now, I again find myself reluctantly being a victim, the man falling between the cracks, but somehow, someway I will find a way forward into a better tomorrow just as I always have, my motto simple, "The best revenge is living well."

Thoughts On Brisk Raining Day on This The First of November 2014

Funny how conveniently some things are lost, while other things seem to have no trouble finding their way to your front door.  Case in point...two checks are MIA that, to the best of my knowledge, were delivered to my attorney's office in New City, have not arrived into my mailbox.  One was supposedly mailed three weeks ago, arrived at my attorney's office, but never reached me,  the other supposedly was to have arrived on Wednesday or Thursday of this week at my attorney's (former) office, but has yet to reach me.  Meanwhile, said attorney's bill mailed out YESTERDAY arrived in my mailbox bright and early this morning.  Suspicious...I would tend to think so.

Effects of the above are being somewhat catastrophic, at least in the short term, perhaps could have very long term horrendous cost in my life.  Of the most immediate concern...I am all but dead broke. On this Saturday, I will not be eating as all of my accounts are either almost broke, or in fact and deed overdrawn.  The last money I have left I need to hold onto so that I can cross the Tappan Zee bridge at $5 a pop.  My car payment as a result of all this is now two months in arrears, my car now in serious risk of repossession.  Insurance on same car...OFFICIALLY PAST DUE, which means I could get a notice from the state REVOKING MY PLATES, which would mean not being allowed to drive my car for 30 days, plus various costs in getting insurance reinstated, getting my plates back...end result of this would mean I could not work, which would further deepen my already dismal financial problems.

Checking Account  is over drawn 71 cents.

Savings Account is over drawn $430.19

Owed on tapped out credit card $1020.56

Bills not paid include Cable package, Cell Phone and Car Insurance.

What can I do about all this?  Apparently nothing...at least not at any time in the immediate future. All I can do is sit here on my sofa on this Saturday shaking my head.

On the good news side of things...I still have coffee!

Think I am going to write this day off, slip into a pair of sweat pants, curl up into bed and sleep until tomorrow rather than try to face my depression head on.

Ebola Scare in New York

Is It Worth The Risk Today?

Seems when I wrote my article about limo drivers at risk in the Ebola Scare I was right on target about my fears.  There is a new Ebola Scare here in New York...a doctor from "Doctors Without Borders" who was fighting Ebola in Africa turned himself into medical care this morning when he started experiencing Ebola like symptoms...last night he took a Uber Cab to go bowling.  Guess who the CDC is now looking for?  The Uber Driver, and his/her car.  

A quick question on the topic of Uber...how come these drivers and their cars do not seem to be held to the same standards, rules and regulations that Taxi/Livery cars and companies are?  Shouldn't they be held to the EXACT SAME STANDARDS?  To keep yourself safe from Ebola I would suggest considering a taxi/car service who's drivers have a Taxi/Chauffeur licence, who have been fingerprinted, who have gone through a background check, and who are probably EASIER TO TRACK DOWN IF THEY WERE EXPOSED TO EBOLA!  Seriously, until that driver is tracked down, taken off the road until he/she is cleared and the car sanitized, do you feel comfortable using Uber in New York right now?

UPDATE

The doctor, Craig Spencer has tested POSITIVE for Ebola...!  He was sick last night in the bowling alley, was sick when he was in the Uber cab.  Who are the health officials trying to kid here.  I drive an airport taxi, that doctor could have been in my cab!  Let us do due diligence here...who all was in that bowling alley...CONFINE THEM!  Who did he meet in the hallway or elevator if he lives in an apartment building...CONFINE THEM!  Who rode in that Uber Taxi...CONFINE THEM! His girlfriend, who did she come in contact with...CONFINE THEM!  What time yesterday did he check his temperature?

Question...why is the bowling alley being cleaned and sanitized, but the mayor of New York is not ordering the cleaning of the subway train(s) he was on?

Who are we kidding...an educated doctor trying to isolate himself?  Lets see,,,public transit, Uber taxi, a park, a restaurant, a bowling alley, girlfriend, friends...WHAT ELSE?  Sounds like this doctor deliberately did anything BUT ISOLATE!

They are tracking subway moments, why not UBER MOVEMENTS?  Don't those passengers who got in the car after him deserve to know?  What is the name of the Uber driver?

Rainy Days and Mondays...

It's not Monday, but it is raining out, has been coming down now for well over 24 hours as wind and torrential rains push  leaves off trees before they have  had a chance to claim their fall colors, provide us one final salute to a summer now gone, winter just around the corner waiting to knock upon our door.  Sitting here locked inside my small basement apartment, spirits dampened trying to keep the three big R's in check as I rewind and replay the past few years of my life, ready to move forward, yet trapped in the present waiting for verdicts in  trials I do not want, but cannot avoid.  Feeling very cornered, trapped and abused, my early childhood re-enacting itself all over again at the age of 58, new characters, but the same old story line.  

Sometimes think about loading up whatever will fit in my car, locking the door to my apartment, its treasures and memories and driving away, vanishing into a new space, a new life, a new beginning where no one even knows my name...isn't that what I am being asked to do, dark forces trying to blackmail me into surrendering everything, including my name?  It's funny...one of the last things my attorney said to me was something to the effect of, "Sherwood, think you attract abusive women into your life."   Perhaps she is right...

It is close on to 2:28 in the afternoon and thinking I should perhaps shower, brush my teeth, run a comb through my hair, try in some fashion to motivate myself.  Then that other voice says, "Why bother?"  My car payment is two months in arrears, and I cannot make the payments because a check supposedly written as conveniently vanished in the mail.  If a check does not arrive this week, cannot make the October car insurance payment.  Barely being able to keep my cell phone turned on, letting it ride until the very last moment then paying the bill days before a scheduled termination of my service.   So I sit here, each second seeing me grow more bitter, angry and hurt.  Can someone seriously tell me what I've done that is so wrong to deserve this reality I now find myself in?  

In hind site, when I was asked to leave, when I was told, "It's not you but me, I need to be alone, need space to figure out who I am post cancer" I should seen the writing on the wall, hired an attorney and ended the pain then, rather than suffering, surviving in an outpost barely on the fringe of civilized society.  They say love is blind...

When I left home at eighteen I promised myself I would never again let someone abuse me...well, that is a promise seriously broken.  I was told, "No matter what, I will not hurt you like your first wife did."  Talk about a promise broken.   My entire life has been destroyed, thrown into a shambles that I am not sure I can glue back together, and even if it can be glued back together, not sure any more that I even want to bother with the task.  Oh to have stayed in Northern New York, finished my degree before I was 50, to still have the money I wasted trying to protect someone who in the end thinks nothing of destroying me.  A fool's folly love seems to be for me.

Think I am going to go make a cup of coffee and sit outside to watch the rain fall.  When this is all over, think it is time to write a book.

Cancer Sucks

Last night I got a text from my best friend in the entire world...her closest (BFF) friend had been diagnosed with cancer a few months ago...the hope was that Chemo would allow them to shrink her tumor enough that they could do surgery.  No such luck, and she has been told she has about eight months to live...from July.  That gives her MAYBE until around February, perhaps if she is lucky, maybe stretch it out a bit longer, allow her to see one more spring.   How do you go on living knowing you are about to die?  What do you do when you know you have about four months to live, and a great deal of that time is going to be spent in hospitals dealing with all the side effects of the illness that is stealing away your life all too soon?  Cannot imagine what it is like knowing you are going to be experiencing your last Halloween, your last Thanksgiving, your last Christmas, and maybe if you are lucky, your last birthday.

Knowing someone with a serious life ending cancer, or in this case your best friend knowing someone who is dying right before her eyes wakes you up to the reality that life is just to short to sweat the small stuff.  Compared to this woman I am lucky...I don't have liver cancer, I am not sitting in the intensive care section of a hospital, and though I have some health issues, nothing that compares to her reality.  At best, she has a few more months, and will leave behind children, a husband, family and friends.

I have a few things I need to settle here in the area...ending a marriage, hopefully sooner rather than later, a pending Personal Injury lawsuit to get through, but think it is time I look at making some major life changes, down sizing my life and spending more time doing what makes me happy, sees me living my life for me, rather than those in my life.   

1.  Sell off my possessions...well, most of them.  Fact is, contemplating any kind of a major shift in my living situation is complicated by STUFF, none of it really all that important to me, other than it looks pretty sitting on a book shelf, or filling an empty space in a decorative way.  Living in my basement apartment I am realizing I can easily live in a pretty small space if I get rid of all the boxes of little momentous  collected here and there throughout my life...old books, some of them picked up in long ago abandoned houses, CD's never touched now that most of the music I enjoy is on You Tube or my Ipod.

2.  Get debt free...with my credit ruined anyway, thinking I should meet with a bankruptcy attorney, find out if that is an avenue I should consider.

3.  Figure out what I want with the rest of my life.   I've always thought what I wanted was pretty simple to find, but sometimes life's twists and turns change things.  Sitting here today digesting the news shared above, and hating the aftermath of Cancer's ugly head rearing itself into my own life, changing everything.  Cancer changes people, and it changes, even destroys relationships.  As the old expression goes, "Shit happens, then you die".  

I've always said, "The best revenge is living well."  Time for me to leave the past in the past and move forward into the rest of my life, working at trying to live well, letting all else go with love.

UPDATE

Saddest text I have ever received..."They purchased plots in the cemetery where she wants to be.

Ebola Scare Here in America...Are Taxi/Limo Drivers At Risk

I drive for a taxi/limo company here in the New York Metro area...probably 95 percent of my runs, the runs of all the drivers in my company are runs to or from the airport, each of us picking up passengers from all around the world.  Some of those clients who get into our small enclosed spaces bring with them coughs, colds, and various sniffles.  With screening protocols for Ebola being put in place at our various and assorted international airports (JFK, Leguardia, Stewart) it begs the question at least for me, "Are taxi and limousine drivers America's first line of exposure to those who may be bringing this deadly disease to our country via international flights.  

Not panicking here, not going to put a plastic sheet up between myself and my passenger, but one can't help but wonder, "Am I at risk?"  Trust me, when a customer is coughing in the back seat, you ask them, "So where are you flying in from?", and you do breath a sigh of relief when they respond with something like Atlanta, or Chicago.  

Guess I should end this and go get ready to transport people to and from their hotels as I contemplate this important topic.

Changing Realities...Turning Over New Leaf

Standing at the precipice of change, staring out into the unknown future that is the reality most of the rest of human society lives.  It is scary to be here today realizing that in two short days I start a real job in the proverbial real world, putting on the uniform of a working man, arranging my life and my schedule around the responsibility of having to GO TO WORK.  

Sure the first thing I will notice is a lack of freedom...I like vegging out in my small apartment, or motivating out the door with my camera to go on a walk, sometimes short, sometimes one that goes on for hours as I wonder here and there around Nyack and it's surrounding areas...Hook Mountain, or under the Tappan Zee Bridge over to Piermont and back, always stopping at a coffee shop along the way for a break.  The flip side of this is no longer having to figure out what I will do with wide swaths of time begging to be filled each and every day of the week. 

Assuming that my wrists hold out, and that the pain is bearable I will be driving a airport limousine (a Lincoln Town Car actually), escorting people to and fro...I have to start in their Taxi division and work my way up, so shall see how that works out...the money has to be there, or the job will not work out for me.  I cannot afford to be spending $20 a day heading over the bridge to the Westchester Airport on a fruitless endeavor.   Spent a part of yesterday getting ready for this new adventure in gainful employment...going to work costs money.  Spent almost $400 dotting my I's and crossing T's to be qualified for the job...who would think you need a background check, and need to be finger printed to drive a taxi?  Yesterday I was out putting together my uniform (black slacks, black blazer, black shoes, black socks, white shirt, and of course a tie) which set me back another few hundred dollars, so guessing/hoping that my first week will recoup the costs to start work.  

They have me working Friday-Sunday this week from 2 PM till around midnight.  I am going to see if I can have Sundays off and pick up another night, preferably  Wednesday, though Monday could work as well.  I would consider picking up another night on occasion, but that depends on how good the money is...am thinking I might be willing to work 5 nights a week leading up into the Holidays, but would want to slide back into a normal 3/4 day week after January 1, 2015.  We shall see.

In the meantime, trying to deal with the emotions of going back to work on this day as the rain falls just outside my door fitting my pensive mood.