3 AM in The Morning...Not Doing Well

Suppose the title says it all...it's three in the AM, cannot stop crying, a deep lonely despair and sadness enveloping everything as I reflect on a life that I just don't want any more.  Shades of the Beatles dancing in the shadows, lyrics playing over and over again as if an eight track were hard wired into my thoughts, "He's a real nowhere man living in his nowhere land...."  Come on, sing along, follow the bouncing ball.

There is something wrong when you continue the charade of a life because decades of abuse leave you believing you deserve the punishment that is staying alive.  I was never good enough to be loved, and now do not see myself good enough to deserve death.   So  sit here and fester in a never ending pool of grief, pain, despair and yes, ANGER.

It's not like I ever really wanted much out of life...my needs were really pretty simple.   I wanted to be loved, and wanted to know, to experience safe.  Everything else was window dressing.  

So much I would like to say, but seems I am not even allowed that basic human right, fearful that my words will be turned and used against me.   One day I will tell my truth...words hurt worse than fists if placed in just the right order, and there are several souls who have passed through my life that deserve a good adjective, verb and noun to the teeth, and one thing I promise is the delivery of a hard hitting speaking of my mind before I go.  I owe that to myself, and to all the little ones who reside there within.  Retribution, Revenge, Retaliation...no, just the telling of a story, the story of my life with no detail spared, no rock left undisturbed.  

For now....going to turn out the lights, silence the TV, curl up under the covers in my basement apartment and try to find a few hours of sleep;

Where's My White Privilege?

With the shooting of Ferguson Criminal Michael Brown, and the unfortunate (and WRONG) choking death of Eric Garner in Staten Island here in New York has issues of race front and center in the news as protesters fill the streets of towns and cities across America.  I watched the pundits, and the usual cast of characters, and wonder how long the Al Sharpton's of the world feel white Americans should carry around the yoke of White Guilt, wonder how long the black community feels they should be given an extra hand up the ladder based upon their skin color...while we are on the subject, am also wondering where my own "White Privilege" is that Blacks seem to be saying I should give up?

I am white, no doubt of that, and even have blond hair.  There is no mistaking my ethnicity in the least, I am as white as white can be...but "White Privilege"!  Give me a break, it does not exist for me, and for millions of other "whites" who were not born into upwardly mobile, affluent families. So tell me, where is my "White Privilege" and if I do not have it, why is it fair that "Affirmative Action" gives blacks and other minority groups who are in the same situation as me a helping hand up the ladder while leaving me and others like me in the same boat behind?  Give me that same bonus score on the civil service examine, and I would probably be working on a government sector job right now. Give me preferential status in applying to some of your better colleges, and I might have actually have completed a college degree...BUT, I do not qualify because I am perceived in some fashion as benefiting from the fact I was born WHITE. 

Has any one looked at the statistics...far more whites have been killed by police offices than blacks have been killed...yet, do we see their stories making national headlines day after day?  Do we see whites out in the streets shutting down roadways because some white man was shot and killed by over zealous police?  Why not?  White Privilege?  How many people are aware that in 2012 52 percent of the people killed by the police were WHITE...not black, not Hispanic, not Chinese, but WHITE.

Yes, I am sick and tired of this whole mess being front and center in the news, tired of protesters marching through our streets making life difficult for the average America citizen...we are not the problem, the rich and elite who oppress anyone in the lower middle, or lower class of our society.  You want to get the attention of the right people...take your protest to those communities where the rich and powerful life...go protest in Greenwich or New Canaan, Connecticut or Rye New York...stop the traffic there, take your message to the power brokers where they live, rather than inconveniencing those average Americans who are in the same boat as you.

You can disagree with me, but claiming that being born white gives you some special privileges by  virtue of the color of you skin is wrong sighted.  You are given status, given special privileges based upon the financial status of the family you are born into.  When we in the lower and middle classes realize that, we can begin to address the societal wrongs perpetuated upon those who are unfortunate enough to be born into less than optimum financial situations.  There is no special "White Privilege" but instead is "Financial Status Privilege" that allows though born into wealth to have a leg up on the rest of us.