3 AM in The Morning...Not Doing Well

Suppose the title says it all...it's three in the AM, cannot stop crying, a deep lonely despair and sadness enveloping everything as I reflect on a life that I just don't want any more.  Shades of the Beatles dancing in the shadows, lyrics playing over and over again as if an eight track were hard wired into my thoughts, "He's a real nowhere man living in his nowhere land...."  Come on, sing along, follow the bouncing ball.

There is something wrong when you continue the charade of a life because decades of abuse leave you believing you deserve the punishment that is staying alive.  I was never good enough to be loved, and now do not see myself good enough to deserve death.   So  sit here and fester in a never ending pool of grief, pain, despair and yes, ANGER.

It's not like I ever really wanted much out of life...my needs were really pretty simple.   I wanted to be loved, and wanted to know, to experience safe.  Everything else was window dressing.  

So much I would like to say, but seems I am not even allowed that basic human right, fearful that my words will be turned and used against me.   One day I will tell my truth...words hurt worse than fists if placed in just the right order, and there are several souls who have passed through my life that deserve a good adjective, verb and noun to the teeth, and one thing I promise is the delivery of a hard hitting speaking of my mind before I go.  I owe that to myself, and to all the little ones who reside there within.  Retribution, Revenge, Retaliation...no, just the telling of a story, the story of my life with no detail spared, no rock left undisturbed.  

For now....going to turn out the lights, silence the TV, curl up under the covers in my basement apartment and try to find a few hours of sleep;