It's not Monday, but it is raining out, has been coming down now for well over 24 hours as wind and torrential rains push leaves off trees before they have had a chance to claim their fall colors, provide us one final salute to a summer now gone, winter just around the corner waiting to knock upon our door. Sitting here locked inside my small basement apartment, spirits dampened trying to keep the three big R's in check as I rewind and replay the past few years of my life, ready to move forward, yet trapped in the present waiting for verdicts in trials I do not want, but cannot avoid. Feeling very cornered, trapped and abused, my early childhood re-enacting itself all over again at the age of 58, new characters, but the same old story line.
Sometimes think about loading up whatever will fit in my car, locking the door to my apartment, its treasures and memories and driving away, vanishing into a new space, a new life, a new beginning where no one even knows my name...isn't that what I am being asked to do, dark forces trying to blackmail me into surrendering everything, including my name? It's funny...one of the last things my attorney said to me was something to the effect of, "Sherwood, think you attract abusive women into your life." Perhaps she is right...
It is close on to 2:28 in the afternoon and thinking I should perhaps shower, brush my teeth, run a comb through my hair, try in some fashion to motivate myself. Then that other voice says, "Why bother?" My car payment is two months in arrears, and I cannot make the payments because a check supposedly written as conveniently vanished in the mail. If a check does not arrive this week, cannot make the October car insurance payment. Barely being able to keep my cell phone turned on, letting it ride until the very last moment then paying the bill days before a scheduled termination of my service. So I sit here, each second seeing me grow more bitter, angry and hurt. Can someone seriously tell me what I've done that is so wrong to deserve this reality I now find myself in?
In hind site, when I was asked to leave, when I was told, "It's not you but me, I need to be alone, need space to figure out who I am post cancer" I should seen the writing on the wall, hired an attorney and ended the pain then, rather than suffering, surviving in an outpost barely on the fringe of civilized society. They say love is blind...
When I left home at eighteen I promised myself I would never again let someone abuse me...well, that is a promise seriously broken. I was told, "No matter what, I will not hurt you like your first wife did." Talk about a promise broken. My entire life has been destroyed, thrown into a shambles that I am not sure I can glue back together, and even if it can be glued back together, not sure any more that I even want to bother with the task. Oh to have stayed in Northern New York, finished my degree before I was 50, to still have the money I wasted trying to protect someone who in the end thinks nothing of destroying me. A fool's folly love seems to be for me.
Think I am going to go make a cup of coffee and sit outside to watch the rain fall. When this is all over, think it is time to write a book.
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