Seeking Normalcy In Turbulent Times

Yesterday it took police intervention, but I was finally able to retrieve two maintenance checks from my former attorney's office in New City, and checking my overdrawn checking account this morning was pleased to see said account was/is now again solvent.   Wish that all the angst and turmoil that is my day to day life could be put behind me, but seems opposing forces involved in my situation at the moment have no desire whatsoever to find accord through compromise and negotiation...looking at that reality, as much as I wish it could happen, do not see myself being divorced before 2014 comes to an end.  All I can do is work toward returning some semblance of normalcy to my life, work at trying to find some consistency that will allow me to escape the depression that has held me in its grip for the past several months.

The first step toward that normalcy was taken this morning...I paid the back payments on my car so that I can stop HIDING IT out of fear of repossession.  Of course, November's payment is now due, so will have to search for ways to get that taken care of in the next ten days so I can avoid falling back into that cesspool of fear again come December the 1st where each night sees me searching for a new place to stash my source of transportation.  Tomorrow morning will pay October and November's car insurance payments, bring both my cable and cell phone bills up to a point where service termination is no longer a fear for a few weeks.  That is the good news...bad news is simple, once I take care of these actions, I am again almost broke if the maintenance check which is due this Friday fails to appear.  It gets very tiring, and is emotionally draining to find myself on this roller coaster, living day to day in a hand to mouth existence.

Did eliminate one worry this morning...went out and got myself a EZpass that will be activated tomorrow morning.  Sounds funny, but there have been times when it was all I could do to find the funds to get across the bridge for mandatory court dates.  Now at least, will have a fall back, have put enough money on the pass to carry me through a few crossings of that bridge...not looking forward to a future when a new bridge ups that toll charge from its current five dollars to fourteen dollars.  I mean seriously, what average worker can afford $70 a week just to cross a bridge to go to work? Welcome to America. 

Yesterday was in many respects a lost day for me...spent three hours in the dentist chair getting my first new set of temporary front teeth to replace the 40 year old bridge that was crumbling more and more with each passing day.  I have too go in again in three weeks for phase two.  Not happy with the current new teeth, but they look better than the crumbling ones that were there before.  Of course, how I am going to pay for the $32,000 worth of dental work required to reclaim my mouth and put my teeth in a state of good repair is beyond me.  I just know the constant dull pain that is my mouth needs to be dealt with.   

Next week I have to call my surgeon or go see a doctor about the tremendous amount of pain I am having in my right arm and shoulder since returning to work...by the end of a shift it is all I can do to drive back across the bridge so I can put it on ice.  Do what you have to do to survive, even if it cripples you in the process.  Hoping maybe an anti-inflammatory coupled with a pain pill might at least mitigate the pain I am enduring.  If not, will just have to deal with it until I can't.   

Just looked at the clock...time to go get showered and get on with what I have to get on with on this dreary dismal day in November.

Elections Are Over, Republicans Are In Charge...Just What Do They See As Moving Forward?

First, for the record, I am an independent, not associated with either of the two deplorable parties which infest our nation's capital, though my views on most things, most specifically social issues such as gay marriage, women's rights, and the legalization of marijuana lean far left.  Watching the election results last night made me physically ill as America placed the Republicans in charge of America's future.  In this supposed democracy in which we live where millionaires and billionaires, coupled with Big Business are allowed to buy our elections, control those who get the opportunity to run for office, we the electorate now have no choice but to accept the outcome, sit back and watch to see if the Republicans can move from being obstructionist to actually leading the country.

Question is, where do they intend to lead us, and is their vision for America really the vision the majority of Americans have?  When they tell us they are going to get down to the business of passing legislation, what legislation do they intend to pass?   

The grapevines suggests that the Republicans will tackle immigration...in what fashion?  Do they intend to seek Amnesty for the 12-14 illegal aliens now in America, most of them from Latin American countries in the hopes of winning favor with the Latino voters, while handing Big Business just what they want...a continued CHEAP LABOR POOL?  Let us be honest about Illegal Aliens in America...they have, and continue to depress middle class working Americans wages by over $200 Billion dollars a year, they continue to steal American jobs.   Illegal aliens break our laws by mere virtue of being/working here in America, and for the most part they work under the table, and do not pay Federal Taxes.   Is Amnesty what we as a nation want for people who for decades now have lowered Middle Class Americans wages, stolen our jobs, and created a situation where young people no longer have the opportunity to find that first job that used to be there?  Do any of us believe the Republicans will do the right thing BY AMERICA's MIDDLE AND LOWER CLASS and deal with immigration in the right way...deport those here ILLEGALLY, and actually secure both our Northern and Southern borders.  Do any of us believe the Republicans will do the right thing by going after those who hire illegals, and in doing so shut down the jobs magnet that sees these illegal aliens flocking to our shores?

The Republicans say they are going to overhaul our tax code.  Lest you have forgotten, the Republicans beat the tired old drum beat that it is the rich, the moneyed who create jobs...let us say on some level that you buy into that slogan.  Conversely then, can't it be successfully argued that it is the hard working employees of companies/small businesses who create the profits THAT MAKE THE RICH WEALTHY.  In overhauling America's tax system, are the Republicans simply going to give the rich more tax breaks, or instead are they going to close the tax loopholes that allow the rich to keep their money, while we in the lower and middle class lose ours?  When the Republicans say they are going to overhaul the tax code, are they going to change and repair the tax code, are they going to eliminate rules that let companies escape their moral duty to the American work force, with perhaps health care a prime example...how many companies now legally foist their duties off onto the American Taxpayer by hiring mostly part-time employees so they can avoid having to pay them benefits such as health care.

When Republicans say they are ready to lead, where are they going to lead us on issues such as Gay Marriage, a woman's right to choose, and health care, where they for years now have threatened to put and end to Obama Care...are they really going to cast millions of Americans back into the dark ages where they have no coverage when they become ill, where insurance companies can refuse someone with pre-existing conditions coverage.  What will Republican do when it comes to wages, and the minimum wage that now forces a large percentage of America Workers to live at or near the poverty level.  Even at $10 dollars an hour, you cannot raise a family in most parts of America!  40 hours of work is gross pay per week of just $400, and by the time you take the various taxes out of that you are left with about $320 a week to live on.  That gives someone $16,640 a year to live on...that is not a living wage.  A small apartment is $800 a month, and usually does not include heat, electric, or the basics such as minimum cable and a telephone.  Round off household expenses to $1,000 a month, and a worker earning $10 per hour is left with just $386 each month to cover everything else from a car, gas in the car, food, clothing, and health insurance! 

Perhaps it is time for the media to start asking the right question.  Do not ask, "Can the Republicans now lead rather than obstruct?" but instead ask, "Where to the Republicans intend to lead us, and are they taking America in a direction that works for the AVERAGE MAIN STREET AMERICAN?" The capability given to the Republicans in yesterdays elections scares me, because their vision of America is NOT MINE.  One thing I am sure of today, would bet the farm on...with the Republicans in charge, middle class Americans will continue to suffer for another two years.

Death With Dignity...Choosing The When of Living & Dying

This past weekend, Brittany Maynard, a brave beautiful young woman dying of cancer choose the when and how of her departure from this world, ending her life on Saturday.  Some call her choice "Death With Dignity" while others call it "Assisted Suicide".  Myself...I wonder why others feel they have any right to have a say when a person is making such a difficult decision.  Don't get me wrong, regardless of the reason behind the choice, find it very sad that someone/anyone has reached a point in their life where death is a preferable choice to living.  However, surely there are times when we can all understand why someone would choose death over a life no longer worth living, choose death over suffering through the horrible pain and diminishing capacity to enjoy our life that a horrible illness such as terminable brain cancer visits upon us?

Death with dignity...

For myself, desperately trying to wrap my own brain and emotions around the concept of dignity as it relates to both life and death.  As a concept, the word dignity implies that every human being (or creature) has the innate right to be valued, to receive ethical treatment.  More descriptively, dignity implies that all things, all people are or should be afforded a certain level of respect and status...though politicians and society are careful not to actually define with any certainty just how much respect, status or worth any one person or group of people should be afforded.  How can we have a serious discussion about life or death with dignity when we refuse to define dignity, have defined parameters of what is  an acceptable level of dignity when it comes to a fellow human being.

Imagine the can of worms that would be opened if our society did the right thing, established a minimum Benchmark where every living creature in America, or in the world was guaranteed a base level of dignity (respect and status) in both their life, and in their death.  Imagine someone being held criminally or civilly liable for stealing away, or destroying someone's personal dignity.  Imagine a world in which we could seek an "Order of Protection" against someone(s) who is working to take away our personal dignity, being empowered to take action against those who seem bent on destroying our self worth, our self image, our implied or defined dignity.  Imagine having the right to "Death With Dignity" if you find your life no longer has enough dignity to make it worth living.  Isn't that truly freedom, isn't that the true measure of the concept of "Self Determination"?

Death with dignity, the right to determine the how and when of our own life should be a basic human right afforded every citizen of America, rather than a right that only exists in five states.  Brittany Maynard should not have been forced to uproot her life after finding out she was dying from terminal cancer, should not have had to spend her precious time moving to a different state that would afford and respect her basic human dignity.  It is my hope her brave decision to leave this world with her dignity intact starts a discussion that sees our federal government enact laws that would make "Death With Dignity" a federally protected right afforded every American.

Abuse Is Not Always Physical In Nature, Nor Something Visited Only Upon Women and Children

Since very early childhood, I have had an intimate personal knowledge of abuse in all of its myriad, shades, hues and colors.  For as long as I can remember I was  both afraid and intimidated by my father, his pointing finger turned in your direction enough to make you tremble.  Still recall at the age of three the first time I witnessed him strike my mother, a back hand across her face as she was knocked into a wall.   Spare the rod, spoil the rod, my father's weapon of discipline was a 2x4 about three feet in length or a ornate piece of picture frame molding welded in the most lethal fashion as he indiscriminately would beat you until his anger had been sated.  By six sexual abuse was introduced into the portfolio of events that made up my normal daily routine...at 58 I thought I had pretty much seen it all when it came to abuse...sadly, I was wrong, now am surviving another kind of abuse that is just as insidious as any physical, mental, emotional or sexual abuse that one human being can visit upon another.

In a matter of months I have seen my credit destroyed, watched my accounts that were all in good standing ruined, am sitting here on a Sunday morning wondering if my car is still waiting for me outside my door, or has  been repossessed?  My checking and savings accounts are both overdrawn, I no longer have a usable credit or debit card, and I cannot pay my bills.  Even worse, my now destroyed credit makes it hard if not impossible to be hired for certain jobs, your credit rating used against you in the interviewing process.  My phone rings off the hook, and with difficulty I ignore its demanding tone knowing if I pick up it is a credit collection agency seeking payments that I just do not have to give them.  This is no way to live.

Sadly, destroying someone by ruining their finances (financial abuse) is not an unusual occurrence, too often a weapon deployed at the end of a relationship, a tool of retaliation and ruination employed with just one purpose in mind...absolute total annihilation of  a person's ability to survive...most times a attack deployed by men...perhaps that is what makes me unusual...I am a man who is sitting in the shambles of what once was a pretty good life trying to figure out what I can do to survive, what I can do to get through one day, then another as I wonder now what the future holds as I sit in the ruination of the "Ground Zero" that is currently my life.

“If it's fair for a husband who earns more to pay his wife, then it is fair for a wife who earns more to pay her husband. Gender should not be an issue,” 

Even worse as I endure this egregious injustice upon myself, am finding out that our American Court System seems, in my opinion, to both condone and facilitate this insidious form of abuse employed by one person against another.  A judge's code of ethics says all parties with an interest in any given case are allowed to be heard, yet if you try to speak you are quickly shut off, quieted, with no choice but to become silent out of fear of having the person welding the gavel holding you in "Contempt of Court", your sin nothing more than wanting to be heard.  Suffer in silence, we do not want to hear your story, get over it, pick yourself up and rebuild your life...MAN UP!  This is usually followed up with a threat thinly veiled in the guise of some sage advice that reads something like, "Take the settlement offered you, or I might not be as kind to you when this case comes to trial."

Right now I have five dollars to my name, one think crisp bill in my wallet which will be gone in about one hour when I drive across the Tappen Zee Bridge to put in a 12 hour shift, knowing ahead of time that I will not even earn minimum wage for my day's labor, will be hoping I get a few cash tips so I can put some gas in my car and have another $5 bill to make it to work again tomorrow.   Upon returning home around two in the morning I will open up a can of Progresso Soup that expired in June of 2013, heat it up and be thankful for some nourishment before I fall off to sleep, hoping at the same time that said can of soup does not make me sick.  Tomorrow I will wake up, repeat this same process over again, all the while hoping that two checks which are missing in action magically appear in my mailbox when the Post Woman shows up at around 11:30 AM.

Life is not always fair and sometimes, like it or not you are the one that falls between the cracks in a system and world full of flaws and imperfections.  For now, I again find myself reluctantly being a victim, the man falling between the cracks, but somehow, someway I will find a way forward into a better tomorrow just as I always have, my motto simple, "The best revenge is living well."

Thoughts On Brisk Raining Day on This The First of November 2014

Funny how conveniently some things are lost, while other things seem to have no trouble finding their way to your front door.  Case in point...two checks are MIA that, to the best of my knowledge, were delivered to my attorney's office in New City, have not arrived into my mailbox.  One was supposedly mailed three weeks ago, arrived at my attorney's office, but never reached me,  the other supposedly was to have arrived on Wednesday or Thursday of this week at my attorney's (former) office, but has yet to reach me.  Meanwhile, said attorney's bill mailed out YESTERDAY arrived in my mailbox bright and early this morning.  Suspicious...I would tend to think so.

Effects of the above are being somewhat catastrophic, at least in the short term, perhaps could have very long term horrendous cost in my life.  Of the most immediate concern...I am all but dead broke. On this Saturday, I will not be eating as all of my accounts are either almost broke, or in fact and deed overdrawn.  The last money I have left I need to hold onto so that I can cross the Tappan Zee bridge at $5 a pop.  My car payment as a result of all this is now two months in arrears, my car now in serious risk of repossession.  Insurance on same car...OFFICIALLY PAST DUE, which means I could get a notice from the state REVOKING MY PLATES, which would mean not being allowed to drive my car for 30 days, plus various costs in getting insurance reinstated, getting my plates back...end result of this would mean I could not work, which would further deepen my already dismal financial problems.

Checking Account  is over drawn 71 cents.

Savings Account is over drawn $430.19

Owed on tapped out credit card $1020.56

Bills not paid include Cable package, Cell Phone and Car Insurance.

What can I do about all this?  Apparently nothing...at least not at any time in the immediate future. All I can do is sit here on my sofa on this Saturday shaking my head.

On the good news side of things...I still have coffee!

Think I am going to write this day off, slip into a pair of sweat pants, curl up into bed and sleep until tomorrow rather than try to face my depression head on.

Ebola Scare in New York

Is It Worth The Risk Today?

Seems when I wrote my article about limo drivers at risk in the Ebola Scare I was right on target about my fears.  There is a new Ebola Scare here in New York...a doctor from "Doctors Without Borders" who was fighting Ebola in Africa turned himself into medical care this morning when he started experiencing Ebola like symptoms...last night he took a Uber Cab to go bowling.  Guess who the CDC is now looking for?  The Uber Driver, and his/her car.  

A quick question on the topic of Uber...how come these drivers and their cars do not seem to be held to the same standards, rules and regulations that Taxi/Livery cars and companies are?  Shouldn't they be held to the EXACT SAME STANDARDS?  To keep yourself safe from Ebola I would suggest considering a taxi/car service who's drivers have a Taxi/Chauffeur licence, who have been fingerprinted, who have gone through a background check, and who are probably EASIER TO TRACK DOWN IF THEY WERE EXPOSED TO EBOLA!  Seriously, until that driver is tracked down, taken off the road until he/she is cleared and the car sanitized, do you feel comfortable using Uber in New York right now?

UPDATE

The doctor, Craig Spencer has tested POSITIVE for Ebola...!  He was sick last night in the bowling alley, was sick when he was in the Uber cab.  Who are the health officials trying to kid here.  I drive an airport taxi, that doctor could have been in my cab!  Let us do due diligence here...who all was in that bowling alley...CONFINE THEM!  Who did he meet in the hallway or elevator if he lives in an apartment building...CONFINE THEM!  Who rode in that Uber Taxi...CONFINE THEM! His girlfriend, who did she come in contact with...CONFINE THEM!  What time yesterday did he check his temperature?

Question...why is the bowling alley being cleaned and sanitized, but the mayor of New York is not ordering the cleaning of the subway train(s) he was on?

Who are we kidding...an educated doctor trying to isolate himself?  Lets see,,,public transit, Uber taxi, a park, a restaurant, a bowling alley, girlfriend, friends...WHAT ELSE?  Sounds like this doctor deliberately did anything BUT ISOLATE!

They are tracking subway moments, why not UBER MOVEMENTS?  Don't those passengers who got in the car after him deserve to know?  What is the name of the Uber driver?

Rainy Days and Mondays...

It's not Monday, but it is raining out, has been coming down now for well over 24 hours as wind and torrential rains push  leaves off trees before they have  had a chance to claim their fall colors, provide us one final salute to a summer now gone, winter just around the corner waiting to knock upon our door.  Sitting here locked inside my small basement apartment, spirits dampened trying to keep the three big R's in check as I rewind and replay the past few years of my life, ready to move forward, yet trapped in the present waiting for verdicts in  trials I do not want, but cannot avoid.  Feeling very cornered, trapped and abused, my early childhood re-enacting itself all over again at the age of 58, new characters, but the same old story line.  

Sometimes think about loading up whatever will fit in my car, locking the door to my apartment, its treasures and memories and driving away, vanishing into a new space, a new life, a new beginning where no one even knows my name...isn't that what I am being asked to do, dark forces trying to blackmail me into surrendering everything, including my name?  It's funny...one of the last things my attorney said to me was something to the effect of, "Sherwood, think you attract abusive women into your life."   Perhaps she is right...

It is close on to 2:28 in the afternoon and thinking I should perhaps shower, brush my teeth, run a comb through my hair, try in some fashion to motivate myself.  Then that other voice says, "Why bother?"  My car payment is two months in arrears, and I cannot make the payments because a check supposedly written as conveniently vanished in the mail.  If a check does not arrive this week, cannot make the October car insurance payment.  Barely being able to keep my cell phone turned on, letting it ride until the very last moment then paying the bill days before a scheduled termination of my service.   So I sit here, each second seeing me grow more bitter, angry and hurt.  Can someone seriously tell me what I've done that is so wrong to deserve this reality I now find myself in?  

In hind site, when I was asked to leave, when I was told, "It's not you but me, I need to be alone, need space to figure out who I am post cancer" I should seen the writing on the wall, hired an attorney and ended the pain then, rather than suffering, surviving in an outpost barely on the fringe of civilized society.  They say love is blind...

When I left home at eighteen I promised myself I would never again let someone abuse me...well, that is a promise seriously broken.  I was told, "No matter what, I will not hurt you like your first wife did."  Talk about a promise broken.   My entire life has been destroyed, thrown into a shambles that I am not sure I can glue back together, and even if it can be glued back together, not sure any more that I even want to bother with the task.  Oh to have stayed in Northern New York, finished my degree before I was 50, to still have the money I wasted trying to protect someone who in the end thinks nothing of destroying me.  A fool's folly love seems to be for me.

Think I am going to go make a cup of coffee and sit outside to watch the rain fall.  When this is all over, think it is time to write a book.

Cancer Sucks

Last night I got a text from my best friend in the entire world...her closest (BFF) friend had been diagnosed with cancer a few months ago...the hope was that Chemo would allow them to shrink her tumor enough that they could do surgery.  No such luck, and she has been told she has about eight months to live...from July.  That gives her MAYBE until around February, perhaps if she is lucky, maybe stretch it out a bit longer, allow her to see one more spring.   How do you go on living knowing you are about to die?  What do you do when you know you have about four months to live, and a great deal of that time is going to be spent in hospitals dealing with all the side effects of the illness that is stealing away your life all too soon?  Cannot imagine what it is like knowing you are going to be experiencing your last Halloween, your last Thanksgiving, your last Christmas, and maybe if you are lucky, your last birthday.

Knowing someone with a serious life ending cancer, or in this case your best friend knowing someone who is dying right before her eyes wakes you up to the reality that life is just to short to sweat the small stuff.  Compared to this woman I am lucky...I don't have liver cancer, I am not sitting in the intensive care section of a hospital, and though I have some health issues, nothing that compares to her reality.  At best, she has a few more months, and will leave behind children, a husband, family and friends.

I have a few things I need to settle here in the area...ending a marriage, hopefully sooner rather than later, a pending Personal Injury lawsuit to get through, but think it is time I look at making some major life changes, down sizing my life and spending more time doing what makes me happy, sees me living my life for me, rather than those in my life.   

1.  Sell off my possessions...well, most of them.  Fact is, contemplating any kind of a major shift in my living situation is complicated by STUFF, none of it really all that important to me, other than it looks pretty sitting on a book shelf, or filling an empty space in a decorative way.  Living in my basement apartment I am realizing I can easily live in a pretty small space if I get rid of all the boxes of little momentous  collected here and there throughout my life...old books, some of them picked up in long ago abandoned houses, CD's never touched now that most of the music I enjoy is on You Tube or my Ipod.

2.  Get debt free...with my credit ruined anyway, thinking I should meet with a bankruptcy attorney, find out if that is an avenue I should consider.

3.  Figure out what I want with the rest of my life.   I've always thought what I wanted was pretty simple to find, but sometimes life's twists and turns change things.  Sitting here today digesting the news shared above, and hating the aftermath of Cancer's ugly head rearing itself into my own life, changing everything.  Cancer changes people, and it changes, even destroys relationships.  As the old expression goes, "Shit happens, then you die".  

I've always said, "The best revenge is living well."  Time for me to leave the past in the past and move forward into the rest of my life, working at trying to live well, letting all else go with love.

UPDATE

Saddest text I have ever received..."They purchased plots in the cemetery where she wants to be.

Ebola Scare Here in America...Are Taxi/Limo Drivers At Risk

I drive for a taxi/limo company here in the New York Metro area...probably 95 percent of my runs, the runs of all the drivers in my company are runs to or from the airport, each of us picking up passengers from all around the world.  Some of those clients who get into our small enclosed spaces bring with them coughs, colds, and various sniffles.  With screening protocols for Ebola being put in place at our various and assorted international airports (JFK, Leguardia, Stewart) it begs the question at least for me, "Are taxi and limousine drivers America's first line of exposure to those who may be bringing this deadly disease to our country via international flights.  

Not panicking here, not going to put a plastic sheet up between myself and my passenger, but one can't help but wonder, "Am I at risk?"  Trust me, when a customer is coughing in the back seat, you ask them, "So where are you flying in from?", and you do breath a sigh of relief when they respond with something like Atlanta, or Chicago.  

Guess I should end this and go get ready to transport people to and from their hotels as I contemplate this important topic.

Changing Realities...Turning Over New Leaf

Standing at the precipice of change, staring out into the unknown future that is the reality most of the rest of human society lives.  It is scary to be here today realizing that in two short days I start a real job in the proverbial real world, putting on the uniform of a working man, arranging my life and my schedule around the responsibility of having to GO TO WORK.  

Sure the first thing I will notice is a lack of freedom...I like vegging out in my small apartment, or motivating out the door with my camera to go on a walk, sometimes short, sometimes one that goes on for hours as I wonder here and there around Nyack and it's surrounding areas...Hook Mountain, or under the Tappan Zee Bridge over to Piermont and back, always stopping at a coffee shop along the way for a break.  The flip side of this is no longer having to figure out what I will do with wide swaths of time begging to be filled each and every day of the week. 

Assuming that my wrists hold out, and that the pain is bearable I will be driving a airport limousine (a Lincoln Town Car actually), escorting people to and fro...I have to start in their Taxi division and work my way up, so shall see how that works out...the money has to be there, or the job will not work out for me.  I cannot afford to be spending $20 a day heading over the bridge to the Westchester Airport on a fruitless endeavor.   Spent a part of yesterday getting ready for this new adventure in gainful employment...going to work costs money.  Spent almost $400 dotting my I's and crossing T's to be qualified for the job...who would think you need a background check, and need to be finger printed to drive a taxi?  Yesterday I was out putting together my uniform (black slacks, black blazer, black shoes, black socks, white shirt, and of course a tie) which set me back another few hundred dollars, so guessing/hoping that my first week will recoup the costs to start work.  

They have me working Friday-Sunday this week from 2 PM till around midnight.  I am going to see if I can have Sundays off and pick up another night, preferably  Wednesday, though Monday could work as well.  I would consider picking up another night on occasion, but that depends on how good the money is...am thinking I might be willing to work 5 nights a week leading up into the Holidays, but would want to slide back into a normal 3/4 day week after January 1, 2015.  We shall see.

In the meantime, trying to deal with the emotions of going back to work on this day as the rain falls just outside my door fitting my pensive mood.

Welcome To Fall....Goodbye Summer 2014

"We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun...."  (Terry Jacks)

Summer is gone, a memory ready to put into  books, the dawn of Fall breaking across the land just a few scant hours ago.  The season seemed to fast in its living, the years seeming to pick up speed in their passing as my own odometer quickly races to 59, then 60...seconds, hours and days like sand through an hour glass trickling into the past.  A part of me wishes for a slowing of the pace, for seconds to slip by at a less than brisk pace, wanting somehow to stretch out what time there is in which to make memories that need to last me for an eternity.

This summer, only made it too the beach twice...think I need to find a way to get at least one more trip in down to the Jersey Shore before the temperatures plummet and snow is falling to the ground. Other than that, summer was in some ways uneventful, no vacation to some far off lands, no weekend getaways for camping or other enjoyable past times.   Looking back, in some ways the proverbial wasted season...lost opportunity regretted after it is too late.

So, Fall begins, mornings already cooler in their arrival, the green of the trees showing hints of  color yet to come. I have a busy day.  A drive over to Westchester County across the Tappan Zee for a job interview later in the morning.  A stop at Lowe's for more stain, then this afternoon a few hours of painting...thinking I will try for two gallons of stain on the fence in hopes of bringing that task closer to being done.  I have to call Marcel who seems to be always upset to see what is on her mind, or what new jobs she wants to add to the list of things she wants done. Perhaps not today, but at some point this week laundry has to be done, and my apartment though small again is in need of some dusting and cleaning...All important tasks, but where in that list is some FUN?

Perhaps if I can rush through my tasks I can find some time in today's schedule to take a walk  over to Piermont and back with my camera, a pleasant few hours out and about to celebrate the day.

To those who find their way here...

May your Fall be one filled with memorable moments.
For those celebrating "Rosh Hashanah" which begins two days from now at sunset, wish you a Happy New Year filled with love, happiness, and a realization of all your dreams.

September 22...Official Start of Fall

Mornings are already Fall like, leaves beginning to swirl down the street with every gentle breeze, birds flocking in larger groups as they prepare for the long trek South.  The season does not officially begin for another six days yet all the signs of its arrival are already here.  In some ways, feel as if my life is in its Fall, options narrowing down as the seasons of my life eliminate choices as winter winds slowly creep into my bones.   Was thinking as I walked the other day, looking at the years I have lived, looking at the average life span of most American men, came to the realization my life according to statistics is 3/4 through its story...time to start planning, making plans that lead me down a path which writes an ending that pleases me, myself and I.

Peak color...think I missed it, or perhaps it has passed into the distant yesterdays of my life, the road ahead more about falling leaves, and impending winter storms.  Time to take a serious look at a set of snow tires for the trip ahead, or perhaps contemplate a serious change of scenery to a place of warmer weather where four seasons all look pretty much the same.

I have to be at the dentist in an hour, so going to go run around naked in the shower pretending it is raining.  Enjoy this brisk yet beautiful fall like day.

Standing Still, Moving Forward

Ever reach a point where you are  ready to be done with where you are at?  Change needs to come knocking at your door, circumstance must change.  I am at that point where I want a wholesale change in my life, and in my living situation.

Standing still, waiting for insight.   Quiet reflection is a difficult space in which to find yourself.  The proverbial jumping off place, but to where?  Patience Grasshopper, the answer shall appear when you are least expecting it.

Looking back, moving from one reality into a new one always came easily...now at 58 soon to be 59 there seems to be so much more riding on the decision.   Wrong choices as you move into old age seem weighted down with what could be serious consequence.  A wrong decision, a wrong move and could find myself living out my final years in squalid poverty...not a pleasant thought.

Regrets, I have a few...

Wish when I was younger I had been more dedicated to going to college, getting a degree, finding what the world calls a real career.  A bit late to go to college at this point, and one does not usually search out a new career as I stare down the barrel at 60.  Perhaps that is why I find myself trying to get a job as an airport limo driver.   So not what I want to do, but at some point I have to admit that my passion for photography is not leading toward a situation that would allow me to earn a livelihood following my muse.  Guess in life we cannot always find our way through life doing what it is that feeds our spirit.

Need My House Put In Order

Have accepted the fact that I will never be a father...often times wonder just how different my life would be if I had been blessed with that reality in my life.  Like to think I would have made a great father, but will never know for sure.  Would have been nice to cross that one off my bucket list, and knowing there are no grand-children in my future at times makes me feel very lonely and alone in this world.  There is no one to carry on after I am gone.

Wish at 58 that I were not fast approaching the end of my second failed marriage...guess none of us fall in love, get married thinking it is not going to work out.  At least I know there will not be a third failed marriage...I would lose collecting on my second wife's Social Security if I ever get married again, and that is just not an option.  Sad, as I actually believe in the institution of marriage, and would actually try it again.

The Future...

Who knows...there are some issues that need to resolve themselves first before I can see something materialize in the way of direction, the biggest one being finalizing one way or another my divorce. I cannot continue a litigation process that has now run up my own legal bill to some $30,000 plus in fees with no immediate end in sight.  If it had been up to me, I would never have spent that kind of money on attorney fees, but have been backed into a corner where I am watching what I could end up with being decimated in legal costs.  Also need to see my personal injury case resolved in some fashion as well...am hoping my appoint with the medical people on the 24th of this month will contribute to that end, but who knows...if a reasonable offer is not forthcoming, then see no alternative but a trial, and chances are any trial decision would lead to an appeal on the part of opposing counsel.   HELLO FOLKS, I want to get on with living my life.

Three areas of personal growth...I need to get back on the not smoking wagon.  I had been doing so well with that, and now I am not doing well at all.  Also need to get back to my walking which I have not done in a few weeks.  Lastly, need to stop procrastinating on some of the chores I have to attend to as building super...I need my apartment desperately right now, will be homeless without it.  So, need to get the painting done before the weather turns any more.

Enough for now....

Unexpected Crisp Fall Day Thoughts

Waking up, moving under the blankets was surprised at the crispness of the air in my small studio basement apartment...I curled up, huddled in my blankets reclaiming the warmth therein and fell back off to sleep for awhile until the fingers of chill found me once again.   It's not yet fall, but a fall day is upon us here in New York, the air outside cool, crisp, inviting in a sweater or sweatshirt sort of way, a perfect day to go for a walk, or perhaps a drive out into the countryside ahead of the impending rain you can almost taste.

The extra sleep was needed, the lateness of the day on this Saturday morning unimportant...the hot coffee beside me smells good, tastes even better.  I should be up, dressed, out, but find old books over on the shelf beckoning me to choose one, curl back under my blankets and perhaps spend a few hours relaxing with a good read, or  settling in for a nice long nap.  So enticing...a day filled with doing nothing, vegging out, taking it easy, recharging my battery as I seek that inner center wherein I can find peace, clarity, calm...yes, today is a good day to find a quiet spot in which to meditate, concentrating on the nothingness of space, allowing everything to fall away as if leaves swirling and twirling in the breeze as they dance down the streets of my mind.

Beautiful Fall Things

Color...is there anything more vivid, vibrant or revitalizing than catching the fall color at its peak as you drive along a country road, or along a winding mountainous/hilly lane in the middle of nowhere, perhaps a thermos of hot hot chocolate calling you from the back seat to stop and take a break.

Leaves...falling, blowing, raked, burning, the cloying, acrid sweetness mixing with the crisp fall air one of nature's dazzling perfumes.

Pumpkins...a field of them, their tops covered in frost, carved into Jack-O_Lanterns, puree'd into that first pie of the season, the smell from the oven making your mouth water.

Apples...picking them as a part of a drive into the countryside, turned into cider, or baked into muffins, turnovers and pie, the crispness of that first bite after plucking it from a tree, sliced, diced and caramelized with cinnamon, butter and brown sugar in a skillet on top of the stove. 

Soups...is there anything more magical than that first big pot of homemade soup that seems to shout to the rooftops..."Fall is upon us!"  That first steaming hot mug of chowder shared with a chunk of French Bread slathering in butter...perfect for dunking, the heat of the cup against your hands warming your heart, making you smile from the inside out.

What are some of your favorite fall things?  Come on, you can do it...click on the comment button and list one or two.

A Sad State of Affairs...

Sometimes, it becomes very tempting to simply turn off the news, stop watching caring about the world in which I reside.

  

Seems President Obama has decided we are now in a war with ISIS...I'm rather tired of war, strife and world discord, seems America on some level has been at war most of my life starting with the Vietnam War which was really not a war, but a conflict or police action.  Actually, the first war that I was aware of was the Cold War with Russia, still remember the Nuclear Fall Out drills when we were instructed to crawl under our desks in case of a Nuclear Missile Attack...like that was really going to protect us?  Children should not have to hide under their desks, but looking at the world we live in today where students barricade themselves in classrooms, the school under lock down because a student using guns is on the loose, suppose hiding under a desk waiting on a nuclear bomb was maybe no so bad after all.

We had Desert Storm, the Iraq war, the War in Afghanistan, and lets not forget we have had troops on the border with North Korea for over 50 years.  Could probably fill up a few more pages with all the wars and police actions that we as Americans have been involved with since the day I was born. Is it any wonder that we as a nation are tired of war...how about a War on Poverty...never mind, we supposedly tried that already.  

Maybe America would be better off letting some other country play the part of world policeman...do not see Russia or China stepping up to deal with ISIS (ISIL), do not see any of their planes flying over Iraq or Syria.  Face it, Russia would rather use its military might to cripple Ukraine, and China wants to use its financial and military might to conquer the entire world by putting every nation  in debtors court.  What would happen if America started using all the money spent on/in the Pentagon on rebuilding our nation's public/private infrastructure, putting Americans back to work rebuilding roads, bridges, and recreating/rebuilding an American manufacturing base?  

Lets start a war on decaying America, lets spend some time and money in our own back yard for a change.