Standing Still, Moving Forward

Ever reach a point where you are  ready to be done with where you are at?  Change needs to come knocking at your door, circumstance must change.  I am at that point where I want a wholesale change in my life, and in my living situation.

Standing still, waiting for insight.   Quiet reflection is a difficult space in which to find yourself.  The proverbial jumping off place, but to where?  Patience Grasshopper, the answer shall appear when you are least expecting it.

Looking back, moving from one reality into a new one always came easily...now at 58 soon to be 59 there seems to be so much more riding on the decision.   Wrong choices as you move into old age seem weighted down with what could be serious consequence.  A wrong decision, a wrong move and could find myself living out my final years in squalid poverty...not a pleasant thought.

Regrets, I have a few...

Wish when I was younger I had been more dedicated to going to college, getting a degree, finding what the world calls a real career.  A bit late to go to college at this point, and one does not usually search out a new career as I stare down the barrel at 60.  Perhaps that is why I find myself trying to get a job as an airport limo driver.   So not what I want to do, but at some point I have to admit that my passion for photography is not leading toward a situation that would allow me to earn a livelihood following my muse.  Guess in life we cannot always find our way through life doing what it is that feeds our spirit.

Need My House Put In Order

Have accepted the fact that I will never be a father...often times wonder just how different my life would be if I had been blessed with that reality in my life.  Like to think I would have made a great father, but will never know for sure.  Would have been nice to cross that one off my bucket list, and knowing there are no grand-children in my future at times makes me feel very lonely and alone in this world.  There is no one to carry on after I am gone.

Wish at 58 that I were not fast approaching the end of my second failed marriage...guess none of us fall in love, get married thinking it is not going to work out.  At least I know there will not be a third failed marriage...I would lose collecting on my second wife's Social Security if I ever get married again, and that is just not an option.  Sad, as I actually believe in the institution of marriage, and would actually try it again.

The Future...

Who knows...there are some issues that need to resolve themselves first before I can see something materialize in the way of direction, the biggest one being finalizing one way or another my divorce. I cannot continue a litigation process that has now run up my own legal bill to some $30,000 plus in fees with no immediate end in sight.  If it had been up to me, I would never have spent that kind of money on attorney fees, but have been backed into a corner where I am watching what I could end up with being decimated in legal costs.  Also need to see my personal injury case resolved in some fashion as well...am hoping my appoint with the medical people on the 24th of this month will contribute to that end, but who knows...if a reasonable offer is not forthcoming, then see no alternative but a trial, and chances are any trial decision would lead to an appeal on the part of opposing counsel.   HELLO FOLKS, I want to get on with living my life.

Three areas of personal growth...I need to get back on the not smoking wagon.  I had been doing so well with that, and now I am not doing well at all.  Also need to get back to my walking which I have not done in a few weeks.  Lastly, need to stop procrastinating on some of the chores I have to attend to as building super...I need my apartment desperately right now, will be homeless without it.  So, need to get the painting done before the weather turns any more.

Enough for now....